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Finding love these days is harder than ever. With all the technology and access to people via online dating sites, you would think it would be the opposite.
I have a theory on why its so hard to find love online. Its called The Sex and The City phenomenon. You remember that show, right? I think that series ruined how people date. It created this false sense of expectations and a sense of entitlement that isnt realistic in real life. Some women hold out and are look for their Mr. Big, but only realize that he doesnt exist when they are in their late 30s or 40s. By then, the pool of quality partners has shrunk, and they are left with mostly undesirables.
Dont misunderstand me, Im not saying its only women who are the problem. Men have their issues too. Television and movies have brainwashed us to want and expect one thing. But, when we go out on an actual date, we are disappointed because we dont get the same emotional sensation that we get when we watch a movie.Thats why its a movie; its made up for dramatic effect!
For all you list lovers, here are my five reasons why online dating has made it all but impossible to find love today:
1. Most people stink at selling themselves. Its all about your online profile. Most of us cant write well, and it shows. Your dating profile has to pop and stand out from the rest of the crowd. Many profiles have the same types of photos and say the same thing, i.e. I love to laugh and enjoy time out and at home. I love to travel
It takes skill to write a compelling dating profile. You have to sell yourself so that others want to go out with you and see what youre all about. Having a good photo is just the start. Online dating is hard because we are browsing profiles, making judgments based only on a photo. Too much emphasis is on the photo, but that is how the system is set up.
2. Hollywood has inflated our expectations of what romance and intimacy is. This is the Sex and the City syndrome I mentioned above. While romanticizing relationships and falling in love in movies is nothing new, it seems the years and years of being exposed to Hollywood romance has taken its toll on society. I dont know what men and women expect a good first date to be anymore.
When I was dating, I used the first date for two things, 1) to make sure the woman was who she said she was in her online profile and 2) to see if there was any chemistry between us. If we had a pleasant enough time, I would typically go out again. I mean, how much can you get to know someone on a couple hours of a first date where both people are on the best behavior and nervous?
3. Perfect is a click away. The problem with todays dating landscape is that people want to know if the person they go out on a date with is the one within 10 minutes of meeting them. This is because we want that instant gratification. If we dont get the instant results, we think the date is a bust and look to move on.
After all, with the plethora of people online, our dream partner is just the next click away, right? Whatever happened to going out a few times and getting to know a person before deciding if there is a connection or chemistry? I think a lot of good relationships never get off the ground because they are never given the chance to develop.
4. Texting has replaced talking. Dont get me started with this one because Ill tell you right now, I hate texting. Now that everyone and their mother has a smartphone; people dont talk anymore. They text. The first-way people communicate on an online dating site is by instant messaging or email. Then, instead of exchanging numbers and having a real conversation, the texting begins and continues until the first date and beyond.
Often, the two people havent heard the others voice before they meet. Stop texting and talk to each other like human beings! You can learn so much more from a phone conversation with someone and less gets lost in translation over the phone than it does through texting.
5. Access to so many people is a bad thing. Before online dating sites took off, it was hard to meet people if you werent in an academic environment, such as college. After school ends, other than the job, or a bar, where do people who are looking for love meet each other?
Maybe we are set up through family or friends. If youre lucky, you might meet your perfect someone in the produce aisle of the market, but this is a long shot. With the entire library of profiles on these dating sites available, I can understand why people approach online dating with such a cavalier attitude. There are too many choices, and we think someone better is next.
While online dating provides a platform for people to meet each other who wouldnt otherwise cross paths, the whole system as created a misguided expectation of instant gratification and fireworks on the first date. We need to curb our use of technology (I mean texting all the time) and communicate over the phone and without using emojis all the time. 😉
You might not feel the fireworks on a first date, but they might just go off on the second or third date. If you dont give each other a chance to really get to know each other, you might just click past the love of your life.
Filed Under:Featured ContentSex & RelationshipsTagged With:datingDivorcefamilymarriageonline datingromancesexSex and Relationships
Jason Levoyis an attorney, divorce coach and consultant who teaches people who cant afford an attorney how to represent themselves in their divorce or family law dispute. As a special thank you to The Good Men Project readers, here is a free info-graphic withThree Tips on How To Co-Parent With An A-Hole.
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The whole point of online dating is know who is single and looking for a relationship. Its really about trying to meet someone for the first date. After you find someone online, the hard work is still required just like any other start or attempt at a relationship. Its hard enough just to find someone. So why make it more difficult by the cold-call style solicitation of blindly trying to charm some with a face-to-face introduction to a person you dont know is single, or in a relationship already, or not even interested? Most of us interact with others atRead more
Beautifully stated, Jason; spot on with the instant-gratification decide-in-ten-minutes, and a sorry statement about the vanity of human nature today. Hats off to you I certainly feel comforted and am just about to remove my profile. Since when did one date mean a trip down the aisle? Its a DATE. Thanks again.
I think online dating is nearly 100% R.I.P. No one gets real dates this way anymore, at least Ive never seen it happen.
Jason, you really seem to have it out for Sex and the City. Now you clearly say that you believe the show ruined how people date. But Im reading a little subtext here and believe what you really mean is that it ruined how women date. Naturally, saying people is more PC but you clearly really mean women are the problem here. Especially since SATCs target audience was obviously women and your worried that women all want their Mr. Big. Now, what about The Sopranos? Did The Sopranos change the way men look at crime? Where men running out toRead more
Thanks for the comment Erin. I think you are overthinking the article. I am not focusing on just women as I clearly state men have issues too. (Did you miss that part?) Remember, this article is posted on a web site for men, so of course it will be targeted for a male readership. I am not saying the show is responsible for the current dating climate, but as you admitthis is how women think and experience life, men, etc. That is more of the issue, which the show merely perpetuated. So, while it was good entertainment, I think itRead more
He is absolutely right. I have met so many women that hop from bed to bed with good looking guys hoping to lock him down and complaining that all men are asses when they cant take the womanizer
This is exactly right this is how it goes these days and such crap and yea mostly women are the problem and I dont say that with any anger or what not. 1. Girl meets great guy she likes but guy is only avg looks/wealth. He makes her laugh, happy, respects her, and makes her feel really good about herself. 2. Girl gets a message from hot/rich guy (ya know the dudes that troll these sites looking for tail, has a crappy arrogant profile showing how much of a douche he is) and pretty much kicks the great guy toRead more
I have bad news for you, Jason. If people are rejecting you that quickly and not taking time to wait for the fireworks on a second or third date, its most likely because youre actively off-putting. Women are not stupid and unreasonable, the phenomenon youre experiencing is actually an increased first chance due to the distance online communication provides, followed by an in-person NOPE NOPE NOPE. Texting is an efficient and non-intrusive way to keep in touch and make plans, but if you miss phone conversations so much FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHOS STOPPING YOU FROM DIALING. Be empowered!Read more
Miranda, sounds like you are not on top of the online dating scene, am I right? This has been the experience of many people, which I think is obvious from the reaction this article has received so far. The problem is people dont know how to communicate effectively anymore, and this is caused by the emphasis on texting. Its easier said than done to say meet someone doing a hobby. If it were that easy, online dating wouldnt be a thriving business.
Obviously a woman who has a way to high opinion of herself judging a man that you have no clue anything about him. He may be interesting as hell. His experience is not uncommon in fact every single friend I have that does this has the same identical experience with the exception of one and he is a complete jackass to women right from the start but because he is wealthy and above avg looking yall overlook the complete dickish, arrogant attitude of him and end up in bed with him pretty quick and then really upset bashing all ofRead more
Texting is killing talking! As a society we are becoming more and more focused on whether the small grey tick has been turned blue rather than actually meeting with their date. Whats wrong with having a real conversation? More and more people are starting to realise this is a problem and there is a growing market for it real life dates rather than virtual ones. Apps such as Rendeevoo are meeting the need for human conversation. On other dating apps and websites someone can be matched with say 5 people and have meaningful text conversations with all of themRead more
As a woman, what I want to see in a profile is a short listing of real life and real hobbies. Im not interested in holiday snaps or a guy that dives and skis. You might love diving but its probably not something you do 2-3 times a week like browsing for antqiues/music/books, walking the dog, foraging for food in a street market or renovating a property. I dont want to meet a guy who thinks being Mr Indiana Jones (the diver, the skiier, the parachutist) is a lifestyle or hobby. Life is what happens when youre busy making otherRead more
Online dating must be quite different today. I met my wife 10 years ago through . She was my first date ever on match and I was her 2nd. We exchanged long emails almost daily for a month before we spoke on the phone (our first conversation lasted 6 hours) and it was another month or so before we met because I had not yet moved to the area. We both felt that our email correspondence definitely contributed to our success in relationship, because of the intimacy we could share through writing. 8 years married now and going strong!
In the words of Chef Emeril Lagasse, BAM!!!! Great job Jason! I am old schoolI love to talk. I love to discover the person. Yes, that does take time. Unfortunately, today everyone is crazy busy. Usually doing nothing! If she needs to squeeze me in for an hour on Tuesday to grab a bite then I usually know she is not for meBut, I will go through with it because, you never know. People dont know how to write these days because they no longer read. Reading is fundamental. People who are well read tend to be very good writersRead more
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